If only..

I really hate to drown in self pity but sometimes i dont have a choice but to do that, coz sometimes it seems like the only and best way to make myself feel better. At the beginning of this year, i promised myself that i will not let anyone at all ever take my happiness away from me. Last year was a bad year for me, i let what people think and say about me get the better of me, i let myself get used by people and it ended up being one of the worst years of my life.
One month into 2006 am still trying very hard to live upto what i promised my inner self but of late i feel like am drifting and one of my worst fears is that last year will repeat itself. That means that i have to be really strong and keep it the way i wanted it in the first place otherwise am going to feel dissapointed with myself when this year comes to an end. My biggest problem is that when i get into something, i give it my all, be it a relationship, a friendship even jobs but the saddest thing is that i end up getting dissapointed and hurt. I have been betrayed by friends, by men, lost jobs...yeah its part of growing up but sometimes life feels so unfair like it is right now. arrrgh, what am i trying to say?I know exactly what am trying to say but i cant put it down here the way i want to because i never know who might be reading this...all the same, the main idea in logging in and starting to write this post is because i feel dissapointed by someone i love so so so much and no matter how hard i try to tell them how i feel, they just never seem to understand what i mean...or is it me using the wrong words?I dont know. Sometimes i really hate myself for being so lighthearted and loving so strongly(coz not many pple in the world are willing to love you unselfishly). One of my biggest wishes today are to get someone to love me the way i want, to love me back the way i love them(by this i guess i mean-get a man who will make me truly happy and consider my feelings the way i consider his)..forget what pple say that you should love and expect nothing in return..sometimes it doesnt work that way!Thats a fact.