VISION:

Eiköhän suomessa ole rasismia??

2007-04-05T15:11:00.000-07:00

Am at work and counting the hours till the shift is over and i go home to sleep and enjoy my easter. I have nothing big in particular for the long weekend ahead but tomorrow evening my sister has invited me over for dinner, am looking forward to that. She is a good cook and by far much better than me(or so i think:yaani whatever she decides to put together in the kitchen..be it potatoes and cabbages(lol) or chicken, anything(apart from chapos)always comes out so nicely and leaves everyone licking their fingers. The only thing i have never given her credit for is her chapos...am the expert in that, yes, pls allow me to blow my own trumpet on this one..at least this once. To eat her chapos, one has to exercise their jaws a few hours beforehand if they plan to remain with a functioning jaw after the eating the chapos. Not forgetting that she makes various' countries maps using dough and serves them in the name of chapos. Woi, if she sees this she'll strangle me!!
I have mad love for my sister though and if there's anyone who deserves happiness and all good things in this life, its her. She has a big heart, she's very PATIENT, loving, kind, name it all. Am not just saying this because she is my sister but because i know it. I sometimes feel like the evil one compared to her, and at times i feel guilty because of the things she has to put up with from me. She's seven years my senior and sometimes am sure given a chance, she'd happily smack my backside coz of the things i do.

On a different note, i am tired of this country. We all say that regarding out jobs, locations etc but for real am tired of this country. Having lived in this godforsaken place for exactly 4yrs, 11 months and 5 days, one would think i am already used to living here lakini no, its completely the other way round. One never gets used to living in finland!You see, when you move to a new place, the first few years or months are full of mixed feelings:surprises, new things to discover, new friends, new work places..the list is endless. It was like that for me when i moved to finland, at first i hated it, then i started getting used to the way of life here so i kinda liked it then three years on i started asking myself critical questions like, is this the kind of place i'd want to live in for the rest of my life?get married in, bring my children up?The questions have remained unanswered until now and the answer is NO. If i get something better tomorrow i'd be off before the end of today. I believe i have good reasons for that answer and i know no one is forcing me to stay here but i am planning on my next move and before my plans materialize, i guess i just have to try and hang on in there.

why would i want so badly to get of this country?someone may ask. Of late, i have experienced a few cases of racism, the latest one being last weekend at a night club;i dont even want to start going into details about that, brings a nasty taste to my mouth but i felt humiliated, angry and i so badly wanted to give a piece of my mind to the person involved but i refrained, does no good and anyway, from past experiences, its their country, no matter who started 'it' am still on the wrong...am the black one!!At my work place i have been called by the n-word several times, and for no apparent reason..someone just didnt like the fact that am from africa and he so openly shared his feelings with me and with some of my work colleagues. Yaani i just dont get it at times, here i am minding my own business, offering my services to someone and instead of being grateful or just keeping quiet, they show disgust on their faces and go ahead to even call me names.
when i graduated last year i had to move out of students' apartments and because am employed by the government, i had the priviledge of getting one of our work places' apartments. when i got the key to go and view the apartment, i immediately fell in love with it and decided that am going to take it. its neither too big nor too small, in the right neighbourhood with supermarkets,public transport, library, etc within easy reach..lets just say the almost perfect apartment. To top it all off, on the same day i met with my next door neighbour and she was unbelievably friendly, she even volunteered to show me where the communal sauna is and everything she thot necessary for me to know..without me even asking!!!!Too bad that within a month after i'd moved in she moved out.
however, of late am starting to feel like it was the wrong place to live in after all, why?i have noticed several eyes staring at me from the balcony, peeping from the windows thinking i cant notice them and have received several cold stares at the parking lot. all of a sudden am this alien that everyone fears or hates..i dont know which... and so all they can do is watch from the safety of their houses and balconies. last week i met the owner of a red station wagon that's always parked next to my car at the parking lot. I was emptying the car boot when without even saying hi he asked me whats my parking lot/space number. and not in your usual friendly-trying to make conversation-manner but in a very rude manner, those ones of you are black, have you even been assigned parking space here to start with?me being me, gave him an answer thinking he'd go away but i was wrong..the guy asked if i pay my parking fee!at first i thought i'd heard the wrong thing so i asked him to repeat and he boldly asked if i pay my parking fee!!!!!the balls!!!i hesitated for a while and i told him that yes, i am a tenant there and so i have the right to parking space and have paid my parking monthly parking fee. the guy walked away.
Yesterday morning, i received a letter from the talonmies-janitor in english(sp) i guess, asking me if i'd paid my parking fee, and no, the parking lot guy is not the janitor so he must have called them and told them whatever he told them and so they had to contact me to enquire. And you tell me these are the kind of pple i should call neighbours?i thought neighbours are supposed to be friendly but i guess all this changes once you are black living among whites.
yes, i have paid my parking fees. Am disgusted with the kind of behaviour my neighbours have displayed, and am disgusted with the uncivilised manner in which some finns behave. am tired of pple looking at me like am some creature from space, am tired of being asked stupid questions that are my own business anyway and am tired of this country and everything about it. I have asked God to guide me out of here and i am positive that by the end of this year, i'll be out of here. No one chooses to be born black or white and sme pple need to get that into their heads. am not moving out of my apartment because of the haters, they can keep hating and can keep peeping out of their windows whenever i pass by and am not chaning my parking spot. hell, i pay for it every month so usiniletee!

'Eiköhän suomessa ole rasismia' is a sentence i saw years ago when i had just moved into this country. It was used on posters on a campaign to eradicate racism in finland: on the poster was a gal(judging from the looks, probably of ethiopian origin) sitting all alone in a seat meant for two in a tram and with finns around her standing-and none bothering to occupy the seat next to this black girl. And in bold letters was the question 'eiköhän suomessa ole rasismia'? loosely translated as 'isn't there racism in finland'?I remember by then my finnish language skills were next to nil and out of curiosity i asked the guy who i was with(a former classmate from Gambia who's lived in finland for over 6 years) what the words meant. He explained it to me so i gitched what the poster was all about. For some reason that picture remains very clear in my mind upto this day and following the recent incidents in my life, it all came back to me so i decided to borrow and use this as my title for this post.

Thanking the Lord Daily

2007-03-03T17:47:00.000-08:00

I have thought of many title's for this blog but i settled for this particular one. First of all because there's so much i am and have to be thankful to God for.
Toward's the end of last year, a few things, both good and bad happened in my life that got me closer to God. I remember i had a small problem and a lady friend of mine in Kenya suggested that i get serious in talking to God, she even offered to pray with me daily about what was bothering me. I started praying daily, at first i found it hard because i felt a lot of guilt within me. I was thinking, aki what will i start telling God after being so unprayerful and then wanting to talk to him just coz i had this problem. With time i picked up momentum and i got comfortable praying..and praying real hard. Within a few days i started taking joy in talking to God, i started feeling much at ease and i even started looking forward to the next time i'd be praying-i had particular times for my prayers and during those times i'd even switch off my phone and just pray. Even i was surprised at how pleasant and comforting it turned out to be and with time i felt my burdens slowly lift off my shoulders, i started feeling at peace and i enjoyed every moment of it.
From then on i learnt that there truly is God, he cares, he listens, is willing to help and with him nothing is impossible.
I decided to keep praying and asking for help and guidance from above and i still do that upto today and i also decided that even when i dont have problems to pray about, i have to make it a habit to thank God for everything in my life. That's how i ended my 2006 and started my 2007.

I feel that there's so much to be thankful to God for that at times i get overwhelmed. Am not driving the biggest or the best car, i dont own a multi million mansion, i dont dine like a queen and i dont have the best paying job i could ever find but i still have a lot of things to be thankful to God for. Like my lovely family who are simply the bomb, my tiny car, my tiny apartment, my simple job that i sometimes hate but which pays my bills, feeds and clothes me and a lot of other things. God is great and he surely is Lord in my life and am not ashamed to say that. I have seen him work in mysterious ways and i've seen him answer my prayers, i have felt his warm comforting hands around me during the trying times and i know he has great things in store for me and for these and so much more am thanking him daily.

Of infidelity

2007-03-02T16:06:00.000-08:00

Am just from watching 'cheaters' and there's a lot going on in my mind right now after the things i've seen. I always make sure i watch it when i have the chance to. No offence but i especially love when there are black pple involved coz there's always a lot more drama, a lot more cursing and u know most blacks have a biiiiig ego and they try to get defensive when they jua they are national television. Anyway so i watched today's episode, i dont jua how old it is as we (pple in Finland) always get to view programmes/movies/tv shows much later..i dont know if they just take long to get here ama its coz they have to add the finnish subtitle before the presentation..i just dont know.
Today there was this african american gal who was suspecting her boyfriend and of course it turned out to be true, the confrontation was quite hot, the gals almost faught with the 'other woman' calling the official woman a whole lot of dirty names including whore and i found myself talking to myself saying 'look who's talking'!!Yaani i just dont get it, you are going out with my man and you know very well he's taken and when i catch you two red handed you have the guts to call me a whore?!!oh c'mon!!! Sometimes when i get to critically think about it i think that us women are our worst enemies. Why so?Because we dont like being cheated on, yet we go ahead and sleep/go out with married men or men who are commited to other women and we expect the other woman not to say anything to us or even dare to confront us! Is that fair, really??

Well, i know this world is not fair at all but surely sometimes i think some things can be avoided if only we'd all be willing to take that one extra step. I once was involved with a man who had another person in his life. I dont intend to go into detail about what happened but he convinced me that he had no one.Turned out that he still had someone in his life and when i came to learn about it, it was too late. Yaani it was real bad, real dirty situation that i still get goose bumps when i remember those days.I dont need to explain the rest but needless to say, from that time i learnt my lessons. And i vowed to never ever ever go out with a married/commited man-this particular one was not married or engaged but still, it was a bad situation for all of us. It's now been years and am over that and moving on with ma life but i always feel so much pain for women who get cheated on and i get disgusted with the women who allow taken men into their lives and their beds. Ok, i've been in a similar situation before so i dont want to sound judgemental but at times i think in a situation where a man is cheating on his woman, the other woman is at times to blame as much as the guy is. To some it may not make sense but well, to me it does. Its really upto us to investigate a man as much as possible so as to avoid unpleasant surprises later in the relationship. And i think its only us women who can help stop men from cheating!!Yes, i strongly believe that by discouraging commited men not only do we get rid of any unwanted dramas in life but you get to save another woman from the heartache. I know that probably that will never happen kwanza when some women have an addiction for married and commited men but aki its just sooo painful to have your man cheating on you and its even more painful when you think deeply about it and imagine that its a member of your own species causing you the pain-partly.

In my part of the world, there is a lot of cheating going among the kenyan community. Many have blamed it on the ever growing number of new chics and less jamaas,hmm...could someone please tell the finnish consulate in nairobi to be more generous with visas to the guys!that there's a crisis here!!??;-).I DO NOT even for one minute agree that less jamaas and more chics justifies anything;infact, i think its just a lame excuse for people to be immoral. Its true though that the ratio of kenyan jamaas to chics is 1:4(no proof that this is the official ratio but am sure its close to that), but i also think that many chics here have absolutely no respect for other people's relationships..ZERO, NONE,NOLA, NOTI!!!!! I have never and i dont think i'll ever find out why but its just soo sad. And of course guys just sit back and enjoy the best of both world's and watch mamas fighting over them. Its gross, eeeeewww!!Most kenyan chics here need to STYLE UP!simple. And as i always say and will keep saying, woe unto people here when someone lands with the big bad virus and decides to teach people here a lesson. God forbid but people here need to start behaving like civilised people!

I am targeting no one in particular but to my knowledge this is what happens;When there's a new chic in town almost every man tries to hit on her and even before here life has began she's slept with one or a few of them and the chain goes on and on and on.At the end of the day its like we are all sleeping with each other indirectly.Women here esp. the newer ones, change hands from one man to the next...like money. It's kinda interesting though to watch all the drama but on the other hand its a sad case and at times you just pity the girls kwanza later on when the men are done with her and their girlfriends gang up to hate on her so she has no girlfriends and she's been branded the town slut. It's......i dont even know what's the best word to describe it but its a f***** up situation.
I choose from the beginning to have nothing to do with women here. I arrived in Finland, was told what goes on, saw it for myself and decided ei kiitos(finnish for 'no thanks'). The fewer friend i have, be it men or women, the better for me, and it works out perfectly for me as i hate having to carry unwanted baggage and i enjoy my space.

My comeback!

2006-12-12T17:30:00.000-08:00

After about seven months of not writing anything on my space i have finally decided to write something..at least before the year ends. I guess i just lost my mojo sometime during the summer, at times i felt i had a lot to write but didnt know exactly how to start writing. But am back and i hope i can manage to be writing something here often. It's been a busy but a good year. I have cried, laughed, lost, gained, learnt a lot, taught others something and am ready to start the new year. I finally graduated after a long struggle and its the best feeling ever. I thought i deserve a holiday and am going home in two days time to celebrate my graduation and to enjoy christmas with my family and friends and am excited!excited!excited!excited!!!!!!Just cant wait for the day to fika!!!

Spring!

2006-05-17T11:48:00.000-07:00

It feels like ages since i wrote something on my blog. I havent updated it in quite a while and since jana i've wanted to log in and write something. Part of the reason why i havent written anything is because i have been too lazy, the other part is because i have been busy with work and the other reason is because i have been busy trying to rediscover myself. Yea thats right, trying to rediscover myself. April is said to be a cruel month and for me it was a living hell, so much went wrong and i felt like that was not the way my life should have been going, i let loose of the things i had promised myself that i'd accomplish and everything was just crazy and out of control.

Come May and things seem to be going smoothly, the sun is shining in helsinki, we can walk comfortably with less clothing on!, the birds are singing, everything looks so lush and green, there are beatiful flowers all over and the place is simply amazing apart from the morning and evening bouts of sneezing due to pollen. Other than that, my life feels normal again, i have found out simple little ways of making myself happy once again, i have a more positive outlook to my life, my job, the place am living in and simply to life, i have managed to shed some 'extra baggage' that i sooo dont need in my life and have been carrying;now i carry only what my shoulders can stand and oh yeah, i have discovered a new hobby that i absolutely love and more so, i get to share it with my close friends and they seem to be loving it just as much as i do.

I got to apologize to someone for a wrong i did to them sometime ago and for a very very long time i haven't been able to say sorry to them, probably because i was too proud to say it and also because i didn't know where to start or when would be the right moment do to it. But i decided not to wait any longer, i was tired of living with the guilt and i realized that the only way i'll be at peace is by saying am sorry. Even though she still hasn't told me whether she's forgiven me or not, i feel much better and deep down i know i have done the right thing, now the rest is upto her.
Lets just say, life seems much more brighter for me and am happi about it. Am praying that the summer will turn out to be a warm happy one and i know God will grant my wish.
Here's to a lovely warm summer, full of laughter and all other good things that come with this wonderful time of the year!!!!

Where do we go from here?

2006-04-05T03:31:00.000-07:00

DEBORAH COX

"Where Do We Go From Here"

When you're in love
Some things you take for granted until someone
Pulls it apart and leaves you with half of your heart
How do I trade the best I have for less
Without giving up
Should I slowly accept that we'll be no more than just friends
How do I know
When to let go?
I know what I'm feeling inside
But part of me still wants to try
So tell me

[Chorus:]
Where do we go from here?
Why's my heart filled with so much fear?
When all that you are is all I need and more
There's no winning this
The battle's just begun
I know it's over, but I still feel the same
You'll always remain number one
'Cause letting go
Warrants so much
I know what I'm feeling inside
But part of me still wants to try So tell me

[Chorus x 2]

Letting go, warrants so much
I know what I'm feeling inside
But part of me still wants to try

Sleepless in helsinki!

2006-03-30T15:19:00.002-08:00

Its 02.20 in the morning and since i woke up in the morning i haven't gone back to bed. It sounds crazy as only thieves and witches[lol] are supposed to be awake at this time but i just can't get any sleep. It was a big problem in november and december last year when i didn't have a job, part of the reason for sleeplessness, i guess, was because i wasn't doing much so my body was never tired at the end of the day, and part of the reason was the worrying about where to get a job coz there were bills to be paid. Then i got the job and the problem has been gone for three months now but it seems like sleepness is showing its ugly face AGAIN!!I really dont know what could be the reason, yesterday i went to bed at around 2300 but by 1.00 i had not slept even for one minute so i got up and started chatting with a friend upto 4.00 in the morning, crazy!!!Again today, i got into bed at around 0000 but i couldnt get any sleep so here i am.
I dont like it at all coz i know in the morning i will have difficulties getting up and am really wondering what could be the problem with me. Could it be that am stressed up and i dont jua about it ama what the heck is wrong with me??!!!

Help needed

2006-03-25T07:02:00.000-08:00

Now my blog is starting to look all boring without pics or cartoons in it.I have tried what they've offered on blogger.com but doesn't seem to be working, ama its me who's slow, don't know. Help anyone????

Amazing!!

2006-03-25T06:49:00.000-08:00

Today at work i was bored and idle, so i logged in to some website to look for apartments and then somehow i drifted off and started visiting other websites. Then at some point i needed to know the meaning of a certain word so i googled for an english-finnish dictionary and found like a million dictionaries' websites. It's at that point that i started questioning myself about what i would have done without google ama without internet!It's just amazing how technology has changed our lives in a big big way. Some years ago when i was in primary school, buying or owning a computer sounded like owning an airplane, i had no idea what computers are all about and i didnt even imagine that at some point i would own one and it would be such an important gadget in my life.

The other thing that seems to be just soo important to me is my cell phone, i rarely, if ever leave the house without it, i lock in my keys at times but i can't think of any day i have forgotten my cell phone at home, i keep it in my pocket at all times, even if am not expecting anyone in particular to call me and when its in my bag, i keep checking whether its still on, whether there's network where i am, whether there's any message or missed call. Sometimes i think its an obsession but on the other hand i know am not the only one with the same behaviour. I can't even imagine how the earlier generations survived without the cell phone or the computer!!!

Angry

2006-03-07T11:40:00.000-08:00

About an hour ago, i had an argument with someone over the phone..the conversation started nicely but as we moved on, it started heating up and we finally both exploded and my friend ended up hanging up the phone on me. I was so angry i threw my phone against the wall and had to restrain myself not to go where he was and tell him exactly what i think about him. After that i started crying and have been doing so for the last hour. I know its not me with the problem, its him, but he's just one of those people who never want to admit any mistake they make and whenever you try to correct them, you are the evil one. I feel bad about it upto now and i was even going to email them and tell them its the end of what we share but i thought that instead of that let me write on my blog, maybe it will help cool me down. I have a light heart, when i love i love strongly, when i get angry, i can kill someone and when am hurt, it really pains and i can cry and cry for hours. It was a beautiful day today and when i woke up i was in high spirits, i had a free day from work today and there were a few things i had to take care of and i fulfilled each and everything i had planned but i had no idea this day was going to end like this. Am really feeling bad, i have tried to call my friend but he's decided not to talk to me-dont know until when and am going to go to bed a sad person..really sad that its hurting so much. Sometimes i just wish i was a bit more aggressive and i wish small things didnt bother me so much, its at times like this that i just want to run away from everyone and everything and just be on my own.

God knows i try to be the best:best sister,daughter,girlfriend,friend but sometimes it just never seems enough for some people, i still get hurt by the people i love most like what has happened to me today. Does life has to be this unfair, really? I never intended for this day to end up like this, but it has..its just too bad.

interesting roommates

2006-02-15T06:47:00.000-08:00

For the first time in three years..i.e since i moved into this apartment, i feel like an outsider..in my own apartment!!!!!I got this apartment since i started my studies here in helsinki and have never moved, i have grown so attached to it such that i dont picture myself moving out any time soon, though am graduating so soon i'll have to get out whether i like it or not. Living in a HOAS apartment, roomates come and go, i dont know why finns dont like staying in one place for long, none of my roommates have ever lasted more than six months here and no, its not me who has a problem am actually among the most peaceful roomates one could ever get. As i was saying, living in a HOAS apartment, you never know who u'll get for a roommate once someone moves out and you have to be ready to live with weirdos. Luckily i have never had any troublesome roommates like other pple(there are always visagas of all kinds kwanza living with finns).
Recently, i got two new roommates, one moved in towards the end of last year when i was away in london and the other one came in at the beginning of this year. I always suspected the first one to be gay but i couldn't rely on speculation and coincidentally, the newer one is also gay or should i say a lesbian?Whatever. Not like i have anything against gay or lesbians but i just find it weird and kinda unnatural. Jana my judgement was proved right...yep, saw it with my eyes. Well, what can i say?Its a changing world but anyone who was born and brought up in kenya will agree with me that its a bit unbelievable, uncomfortable too given that am straight. Turns out that the two gals are 'men' so in a way, am living with two men in my house. They walk, talk,dress and act like men and their 'girlfriends' come to visit and spend nights. Now am even feeling a bit uneasy walking to the bathroom with nothing but my towel rapped around my body when they are there coz am imagining that just like a normal man would do they are probably eyeing my legz. ha ha!!!!Its not like i mind then and we do get along just fine. Just incase someone is wondering HOAS means Helsingin seudun opiskelija asuntosäätio or Helsinki region student housing foundation.

Sometime during summer 2004 i was in a party with my best friend and i got so drunk and was telling her that 'am the only sober one in this house' it was soooo funny to her and since then she has never forgotten we always enjoy each other when we go out for drinks ama in a party 'seems like you are the only sober one in this house/club'. So today i told her that i can comfortably say 'am the only straight one in this house'!!!!She laughed her lungs out.

Who stole the mandazi's?????

2006-02-05T02:53:00.000-08:00

Its true, kenyans will always be kenyans. Yesterday the same friend who had her birthday on thursday held a small belated birthday party. We had lots of fun pple drinking, cracking jokes, dissing each other. My friend had decided to make nyamchom,ugali and kachumbali. She had also made mandazi's just incase anyone was interested. The nyama was so so much pple kulad until they could eat no more..and when everyone was leaving, she said that she doesnt want any food to remain in her house so she started gawanyaing nyama for everyone to take home with them. Then she remembered the mandazi's!She looked for them everywhere but they had done the disappearing act!!!!At first it seemed like a joke but after looking everywhere we could think of, we dint find them anywhere a full paperbag of them. Hmm...i laughed about it but thinking about it today, i think its disgusting. Yaani someone decided to beba a whole paperbag of mandazi with them despite the great hospitality and full stomachs and take away??Uskomatonta!(finnish for unbelievable), kweli, ogopa wakenya, ha!

Of surprises..

2006-02-03T09:57:00.000-08:00

I love surprises..they are just..exciting!!!!This year, i really really wanted to plan a surprise birthday for my best friend but given the way am broke, i couldnt do that. But because i wanted something different and special for her, i decided to have someone bake a special cake for her..it was the cheapest way out for me. Luckily i got someone who would do it for me for free all i had to do was buy them the ingredients. I couldnt belive how lucky i was coz i knew going to the bakery would cost me even more than i'd have spent on a small surprise party. It was nothing so ceremonial but my siz and i called my friend when we right outside her house to open the door for us...and when she opened the door we gave her the cake while singing happy birthday..just the two of us. It was a special moment my friend almost cried..i loved the look on her face when she opened the box and saw what was inside!!I myself had not seen that cake before so it was a surprise for me too: it was just lovely, really huge and with her name and age on the sides and her names' initials on top, covering the whole cake..cant even explain. Anyway, it was beautiful and we had a lovely evening laughing and talking and my friend was happy and more than grateful.

If only..

2006-02-03T09:39:00.000-08:00

I really hate to drown in self pity but sometimes i dont have a choice but to do that, coz sometimes it seems like the only and best way to make myself feel better. At the beginning of this year, i promised myself that i will not let anyone at all ever take my happiness away from me. Last year was a bad year for me, i let what people think and say about me get the better of me, i let myself get used by people and it ended up being one of the worst years of my life.
One month into 2006 am still trying very hard to live upto what i promised my inner self but of late i feel like am drifting and one of my worst fears is that last year will repeat itself. That means that i have to be really strong and keep it the way i wanted it in the first place otherwise am going to feel dissapointed with myself when this year comes to an end. My biggest problem is that when i get into something, i give it my all, be it a relationship, a friendship even jobs but the saddest thing is that i end up getting dissapointed and hurt. I have been betrayed by friends, by men, lost jobs...yeah its part of growing up but sometimes life feels so unfair like it is right now. arrrgh, what am i trying to say?I know exactly what am trying to say but i cant put it down here the way i want to because i never know who might be reading this...all the same, the main idea in logging in and starting to write this post is because i feel dissapointed by someone i love so so so much and no matter how hard i try to tell them how i feel, they just never seem to understand what i mean...or is it me using the wrong words?I dont know. Sometimes i really hate myself for being so lighthearted and loving so strongly(coz not many pple in the world are willing to love you unselfishly). One of my biggest wishes today are to get someone to love me the way i want, to love me back the way i love them(by this i guess i mean-get a man who will make me truly happy and consider my feelings the way i consider his)..forget what pple say that you should love and expect nothing in return..sometimes it doesnt work that way!Thats a fact.

2006-01-25T07:34:00.000-08:00

Its been a warmer week in helsinki this week, thank God for that. Right now i feel like i have been run over by a tractor after sleeping so late yesterday and having to wake up early in the morning today. Am just from school for some seminars and to meet with my thesis supervisor. The seminars were ok, very interesting and were worth missing a shift to attend. Buuut, my thesis supervisor had to ruin my day, NOTHING i do is ever good enough for her, she is what you would call a perfectionist..well..thats the closest i can get to describing her. Its quite understandable given that she is the programme co-ordinator in our degree programme but pliz..does she have to be so harsh?I wonder. I mean, she never ever compliments me despite the lots of research i have done and the hard work i have been doing on that paper.
I have like a million things to do on my thesis and hand in by tomorrow, i want to watch a movie and i want to make sure i get sufficient sleep before kesho othawise its going to be a bad day for me at work! Now am just sitted here wondering what to do and what to postphone and i realize that i have to do them all today!!If only i could, i would watch the movie kesho but its on channel four so its either i watch it today or miss it.
Am loving my new job by the way, its quite interesting and i think this one is for keeps. It will give me the experience i need before i start applying for a job abroad(not planning to stay in this hell hole forever) and i hope i will improve my language skills.

2006-01-22T08:40:00.000-08:00

Sometime ago, a friend wrote something on her blog that i found very interesting..about when the wrong person loves you right. Since then, i have been thinking about it a lot and i just wonder why sometimes life has to be like that..when u want something so bad and you cant have it ama when u get so much of something that you dont like/love. Well, there is this guy who is reeeeaallly crazy about me sometimes i think he is nuts. He just cant keep his eyes off me whenever we meet and is so interested in conversing with me while i, on the other hand just cant stand him, AT ALL!!!!To me, we have absolutely nothing in common but to him, we were just made for each other and he'd do anything to make me his galfriend. So far i've turned down his offer to meet up for coffee, visit him and he doesnt even have my phone number!We met at a party jana and he tried all he could to talk to me and at first i completely ignored him, gave hints that am not interested in talking to him but at some point i felt like am being too bitchy so i talked with him kidogo then made an excuse and walked away. He was pestering me for my phone number so i promised to give it to him(just to get him off my back) before leaving the party then when it was time for him to leave...he left before me...he came up to me and went like 'am leaving now' i was dancing so i just told him ok, bye but he said it again and i repeated the same words. He must have felt really bad and i could see it written all over his face and he semad 'yaani thats all you are going to say to me?' and i asked him what more he expected me to say to him. I guess at that point he gave up and just walked away. I didnt think much about it until today..and i felt a tinge of guilt inside me(poor guy).

Ok, i cant stand the guy but that does not mean i should treat him like trash. On the other hand, its not that i intend to be rude to him or ignore him but when i see him it just happens. Of course i know he feels really bad about it and probably wonders why i have to be so bitchy but he still tries again and again, maybe hoping that the next time will be better than the last. Sometime ago, my sister(who by the way thinks this is the right guy for me) was making noise at me for treating the poor guy so badly and going on and on about how nice he is, wat a good boyfriend he'd make then she mentioned that there is one gal who is just crazy about the same guy that i cant stand. It is in situations like this that i cant help but wonder why life has to be like that sometimes. Probably the guy treats that gal badly and she is always wondering why he has to be so mean to her and am sure the guy wonders why i have to be so mean to him. Quite interesting i must say!

My week..

2006-01-20T07:51:00.000-08:00

It started early and didnt start so well..on saturday to be precise..when i slipped and fell on my way home, kwanza just outside my house(damn this winter). I sat there for like five minutes swallowing in the pain then slowly i stood up and limped the rest of my way home. I thought i had broken my leg..but luckily i didnt. So i tried to massage it then took some painkillers and slept coz it was around midnight. The following day in the morning hata i wasnt remembering ati i had umizad my leg the previous night until i stepped out of bed and felt the pain, went to the toilet and by the time i got there, the pain was too much to bear. I took some painkillers and decided that i had to go to hosp. the following day just to be on the safe side coz i felt that something was seriously wrong. Unfortunately, it was on a sunday..which meant that the health centre was not open, and at that point i had to decide whether to wait till monday ama go to the emergency hospital. Anyway at the end of the day i decided i had to do with painkillers and wait till monday to go to the health centre.
On monday early in the morning i woke up and walked to the health center which luckily is about five minutes from where i live, unfortunately since i had not booked an appointment i couldnt see a doctor on that day which meant that i had to either book an appointment for later or see a nurse(thats how the system works in finland!) i settled on seeing the nurse..though i knew there wasnt anything much she was going to do.
By then my leg was swollen so when i went in i showed her where it hurt and she could even see for herself...but this is the most interesting part...without even touching it or anything, she told me to 'keep something cold' which i interpreted as 'put some ice cubes on the swollen part' and 'eat some painkillers'!!!Despite my annoyance at her incompetence(sp.) i had to try really hard not to laugh at her wack english. Then she added that 'see if it gets worse u should go and have some xrays done'. So i walked back home a dissapointed person debating with maself on what to do next. I decided to call my best friend and i narrated to her the whole story about what the nurse had told me and she was beyond herself with laughter and was like 'so you should wait till it gets worse then go to a proper hosp'. She advised me to go to another hosp just to be on the safe side. I went to the emergency hosp and despite the slow services there, got myself treated and the doctor advised me to get lots of rest....which is a good thing because i always feel guilty sleeping during the day when pple are working ama in school(though i dont have classes anymore), so at least i consoled myself ati i cant do much coz am sick!!:-), as if thats not enough, this has been the coldest week in finland this winter, its been snowing and we are talking about minus 15degrees(or more in the mornings and evenings) in helsinki, which, mind u is warm compared to other parts of finland!

The whole week i have been resting and healing but on wednesday i had this job interview..its a really good jobbo, something i have been looking for a long long time now. Despite my sick leg, there is no way i could call them and tell them that i cant go for the interview, i really needed the job. So on wednesday morning i went for the interview..u should have seen me trying really hard to walk normally despite the pain because i didnt want that manager to see me limping lest she decides am not in good physical condition to start working..ama ask why am limping which meant i would have to explain to her in FINNISH, i do speak finnish but some things i have no idea how to say them in that language. I was being interviewed by three pple, i understood some things they asked and at some points i was completely floating..but it went well and i went home optimistic. I had to call today to find out what their decision is.
Which i did and the lady went like 'what do you think the decision is' and i told her i think its positive so she said 'ooh, u are optimistic, well congrats..u got yourself a job, when would you like to start?'I was soooooo excited for a moment i forgot all my finnish but after recovery i told her i can start on monday. So on monday am starting a new job, a job that has a lot to do with my career, something i have wanted for a long time and a well paying job..thank God for that.
Despite the sick leg, and all the sleeping during the week i feel its been a fruitful week in that i got a job-which is a big step ahead.

So, finally...

2006-01-17T08:01:00.000-08:00

For ages now i have kept promising myself that one of these days i will start my own blog finally i have managed to start one though halfway through i almost said to hell with it coz half of the names i wanted to use for my username have already been taken so i kept gettting 'sorry, the name is not available'. I hope i can be able to keep up with the blogging and my buddies too can be able to view my blog. I love reading other people's blogs and i think its a fab idea.